If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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