I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
foreskin is a definite game changer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
