Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
