I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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