i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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