even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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