I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
