He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
