i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
