My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
