Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
