dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
