yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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