you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
