can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
