I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
