I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
