The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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