coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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