tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
