did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize