There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
