Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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