i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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