if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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