All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
