8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my poor anus
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
