I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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