This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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