dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
