Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize