I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
