then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
