I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
