my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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