she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
