I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
