i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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