I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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