You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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