i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
