My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
