A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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