Apparently you make a good broom.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
