i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
