Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The Olympian is in my bed
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
