In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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