I didn't shave. On purpose
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
