having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
we're so committed to being not committed
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