she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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