The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
