im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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