i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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