Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
