I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
