I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
