this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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