dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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