He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
