The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
