my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
