my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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