I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
