Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
