How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
